A Very Metric Christmas

I've already decided what I want for Christmas next year. I realize MY wish comes at the expense of everybody else, but isn't that the way Christmas works? Dear Santa, please exert yourself and all your elves, and expend significant resources so I can have what I want? So I'm going for it:

I want the U.S. to go on the metric system.

Ow! I'm bracing myself for the kickback. But again, this is all about what I want. And I want it because I now live in The Rest of the World, where the metric system is standard, where I struggle to keep up, and where I'm routinely embarrassed by not knowing how big/hot/heavy something really is.

My beloved, Mr. Calculator-in-His-Head, walks around with the conversion formulas as solidly in place as the names of his children and with the mathematical capacity to do those conversions inside said head. Well, good for you. Not the case in here.

The worst part is the way it kills my opportunity to enjoy something funny.

If I had to convert just the currency, I'd be so much quicker to enjoy the joke of how expensive these cherries are. So let's see...119.95 Saudi rials for a kilogram. A rial is worth $.28, so I customarily divide by four and add a little. 120/4 = 30. That means the cherries are selling for about $34/kg. (You get used to guessing--turns out it's actually $33.60, so I'm pretty pleased with myelf.) Easy!

But we're NOT THERE YET. Now I have to go through the weight conversion to give myself a point of reference against what I'm used to paying at home--something none of my European friends have to do. SO, 1kg = 2.3lb, and 1lb = .45kg. What we're looking at is two different ways of describing a really awkward relationship. Bigger than double, less than double plus a half. And because I have so many Big Ideas in my head that I don't have room for formulas and math, I just function on the idea that a kilogram is a little more than 2 pounds, and that a pound is a little less than half a kilogram. In my world of approximates, $34/kg means $17 for a half kg, but you're paying LESS than $17lb because a half kg is MORE than a pound, right? Or did I just do that backwards? No, so these cherries are selling for about...$16lb? (Less pleased with my guess--turns out it's actually $15.30ish.)

THAT'S SUPER FUNNY! Or it would've been if the punch line hadn't taken ten minutes and a calculator to set up. And they don't even look as if they'll be that sweet. A little bright, don't you think?

Which is not how I feel most days. A recent cold snap in my dear old home of Colorado pushed nighttime lows into the -30F neighborhood. People around here tend to talk about the weather when it gets into the 50s, so you can win any "Yeah, but" conversation when you whip out numbers like that to local folks, whether they're actually Saudi or from India, the Philippines, Thailand, Australia, South Africa, and really most of Europe. But only if you can put it in centigrade! I've been left stupidly silent in a lot of these conversations, itching to impress, but unable to accurately translate the temperature in Colorado to something anybody else can understand.

The latest from my favorite food writer, not yet
published in the U.S. because it'll take a while
to translate it for us backward Americans.

And they shouldn't have to work at it. Our system is stupid, and theirs is logical. Let's review: A pound is 16 ounces, so when the kitchen scale says you've measured out .8 pounds of chocolate, that's not 8 ounces. It's a little shy of 13. A cup of liquid is 8 ounces. A pint's a pound the world around, so 2 cups is a pint, and a quart is 2 pints, but a quart is only a quarter of a gallon, so you need 4 of those to get to 1 gallon. We good? A tablespoon equals 3 teaspoons (3?), but 8 tablespoons equal a cup. A stick of butter is a half a cup, so you have 2 cups of butter in a box that has 4 sticks. DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE? And I haven't even touched on miles (5,280 feet), yards (3 feet), feet (12 inches), and inches (divided into eighths).

Of course the transition would be hard at first. I know exactly how hard because that's pretty much where I am right now. I have a metric converter on my phone, a website link on my iPad, a sticky note by the oven with temperature conversions, another by the baking goods with units of measurement, and a kitchen scale set to grams. But I expect that my head will come around eventually. I already know that 0c is 32F, so I know what 0 feels like. I know that at 10 I'm wearing a sweater while my beautiful Thai neighbor is in some fabulous boots and slammin' skinny jeans and a coat and is showing me on her phone how incredibly cold it is. I've gotten used to the idea that 20 is comfortable for the house, 30 is starting to warm up, 40 is desert-hot, and 50 is what you're afraid of in a Saudi summer. We can do this, people.

Because, you see, we're not just embarrassing me, but embarrassing all of ourselves. Right now, in this land of imported food, I am constantly confronted by boxes and cans and jars that have American weights and measurements. You have to know that every time a non-American picks one of those things up there's a head shake, an eye roll, and a silent "those idiots."

But back to me. You see, when we make the grand transition, so nobly attempted and abandoned when I was in elementary school ("We can fight the Nazis and fly to the moon, but not count by tens!") I and my children's children will no longer be global hicks and rubes, but will finally be fluent in the language that probably started all the rest of the language: A couple of cave guys, trying to estimate how much more meat was on a mastodon than a bison, and whether the cost of pursuing one was more per unit than the other.

In the name of global commerce and international cooperation, everyone else has made the grand gesture of learning our language. (Thank you, Silicon Valley.) And that's hard. So in return, can't we make just a little effort to use their measuring cups? For Christmas. For the children. For me.

Arabian Holidays: Shopping the Souks

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style...

Walking through an alley at the Diyrah souk.

Okay, so shopping is a little different here than what most Americans are used to. And the quantifying ALL the differences is way beyond what one blog post can hold. I should be able to milk this topic for a solid dozen.

But this is a good place to start: the souks.

Yes, the malls of Riyadh are famous and plentiful. It's in the malls that you find Sephora, Banana Republic, Pottery Barn, Marks & Spencer, dress shops, hypermarkets. But do you think the people on my gift list are going to be happy if I go to the other side of the world and come back with sweaters from the Gap? No, I need to find someplace else to shop.

Saudis are new to city living. Most adults here have grandparents who lived in mud brick villages scattered around the desert. Shopping happened in souks, which are just open-air markets. Merchants grouped together by type, so you'd go to the camel souk for Bedouin supplies, the gold souk for jewelry, the clothing souk for clothes...you probably have the pattern figured out by now. If you've been to an American farmer's market or a European Saturday market, you've been in a souk--fruits and vegetables over there, sketchy electronics over there, cheap sunglasses and weird shoes over there. As Saudis migrated to cities, they brought the souk paradigm with them. As I'm sure the Europeans did, too, when their cities were new. So you have actual souks--sprawling, rabbit-warren-like arcades of stalls and storefronts grouped by type, such as you see above or in my photos from the second-hand souk, taken earlier this fall. (It's morning in the shot above, so a lot of shops aren't open yet.) But the souk model also influences the way other shopping happens.

Typical Riyadh streetscape on a Friday morning.

This is not a bad neighborhood. This is a street near our home, and pretty representative of what you see all over Riyadh: mile after mile of concrete block cube-style buildings with rectangular, plate-glass shop openings at the street level with roller-style pull-down doors or metal gates. And a bunch of trash in front. Above are apartments. (In this case, it's Friday morning, so the shops are closed and the normal jumble of every-man-for-himself mis-parked cars is missing.) What's souk-like is the way the business are arranged: same-type businesses tend to cluster together (interrupted by mini-supers, pharmacies, and eateries). A row of car-rental storefronts, a city block of lighting stores, another of furniture stores, another for tile shops.

Figure 1: The snuggle effect

To the American mind, this is puzzling. If you're trying to sell teddy bears, why on earth do you want to snuggle up with your competitors? But here, shoppers would never find you if you eschewed snuggling. The snuggling produces a mass big enough to be a landmark people know about.  Refer, for example, to Figure 1. Do you see how much bigger the fuzzy mass of puppy and bear are together than either would be alone? None of these individual shops has an advertising budget--any more than the stalls at the farmer's market do--so standing alone they'd have no way of letting shoppers know they're there. People around here start their search for what they need not with Google or Yelp, but by asking "Do you know where you can get teddies with ribbons round their necks?" Then someone will say, "Oh, the adorable fuzzy thing stores are along Ali Bin Somethingorother--you know, just south of King Somebodyelse." That block of roadway becomes, in essence, the fuzzy thing souk for that part of town.

(This is a forced example, I know. It was driven by the Google image result for "snuggling." Of course you'd never ask where to buy a teddy bear because stuffed animals aren't sold here, silly. Another story for another day.)

But the street-front shops are driving destinations. If you're shopping a number of lighting stores, you might park your car and go to the eight or ten right in front of you, but you cross the multi-baracaded street at your own peril (especially at night, dressed all in black), and you're separated from the next block by another uncrossable street. This kind of shopping is an evening errand that you do with a Man...who has a Car and can drive to the next block. Or that the Man with the Car does on his own. If you're going to stroll and shop, outside a mall, you're going to a souk. A real souk.

In the picture above, we're in one of the alleys between souk areas at Diyrah, the sprawling souk that sits near the site of Riyadh's original mud-brick settlement. Duck inside, and you see something like this:

Bedouin souk, Diyrah

This is the Bedouin souk area, To my right, beside the blue bags in my hand, are tent furnishings. And I'm not talking about sleeping bags and blow-up mattresses. No, Arabian tent furnishings are rugs, floor cushions, and sofas or back rests for sitting on the floor. Rope curtains with tassels. Plus camel supplies. This fellow is just walking into the souk to find out where to unload his truckload of camel saddles:

Camel saddles outside the Bedouin souk, Diryah

Fun, to be sure, but not very practical for Christmas giving.

On, then to men's clothing:

Inside the men's clothing souk, Diyrah

Much to my surprise, it turns out that not all red-checked headscarves are the same. Men who shop here are actually making decisions between these:

Shimaghs and ghutras at a men's clothing shop, Kuwaiti Souk

But they had plenty of time to develop a sense of style as little boys:

Boys' costumes, Kuwaiti Souk

Okay, again I'm being distracted. I don't think my daughter and son-in-law would appreciate us arming their 8- and 9-year-old boys with daggers. Perhaps I'll fare better at the gold souk:

Gold souk, Diyrah

Off these grimy alleys, with the clattering old gates and faded signs, are stunning jewelry shops. My phone camera struggled to deal with the contrast, but my friend Patty managed to get this one:

Inside a jewelry shop in the gold souk, Diyrah

But gold is gold, folks, the world over. There are no deals to be had, so...sorry, kids.

Now, because shops close at around 11:30 a.m. for prayer, and in the traditional souks tend to stay closed through the afternoon (reopening after afternoon prayer, sometime between 3:30 and 4:00), the compound bus goes early in the morning so we can maximize our time there before 11:30. Only a few shops are open when we first arrive. This week, the Al Shark craft-and-who-knows-what store was the place to kill time and find, oh, all kinds of stuff before other Kuwaiti Souk shops opened.

Treasures at Al Shark, Kuwaiti Souk

Let me help you figure this out. Those are Flower Fairies scented sachets on the right, next to "best quality" police whistles, next to mouse pads that look like oriental rugs, above gold-covered cardboard place cards. YES. Turn around for plastic air horns, novelty clocks, and clown shoes.

Treasures--including clown shoes--at Al Shark, Kuwaiti Souk

 WHAT?!? CLOWN SHOES?!?!!

Clown shoes at Al Sharq

Yes. Clown shoes. Sometimes "living lightly" means not having what you really want, doggone it. Back to the souk.

But look at the furniture shops!

Furniture at the Kuwaiti Souk

Be advised: Anything that sits still for very long in Saudi Arabia will be gilt, embellished, or tufted.

Home decor shop at the Kuwaiti souk

Unfortunately, this shop was closed, so we had to snap pictures through the glass. Oh, how I would've loved to see it with all those lights turned on. So I found comfort on the divan:

Gold divan at the Kuwaiti Souk

 And played hide-and-seek among the abaya closets:

Abaya closets at the Kuwaiti Souk

Around the corner were the fabric shops:

Fabric shop at the Kuwaiti Souk

Yes, fabric shops. Those dresses are draped and pinned. You can see the bolts of fabric beyond the display window, through the glass.

Fabric shop display window at the Kuwaiti Souk

(When you get that black one figured out, let me know.)

Okay, seriously. I have to focus. Close my eyes and go straight through the gold souk at Diyrah to the shops of trinkets, collectibles, and gifts clinging to its edges. I'm finally on track.

Finding collectibles at Diyrah

I actually found some things up this alley. But I'm keeping my secrets for now. And that doesn't mean I'm finished. I'm sold on souk shopping, and will be back often. Rate for yourself, if you would, the irresistibility factor of the antique shop:

Inside an antique shop at Diyrah

Or the Afghan/Pakistani handicraft shops:

Inside Bedouine Art, Shop No. 12, Diyrah

Inside Royal Kashmir, Diyrah

Are you catching my drift? I just love handling this stuff and hearing the stories. Lunch boxes from Afghanistan, wedding jewelry from Saudi Arabia, hand-painted bottles and plates, daggers, camel bells, astrolobes, mascara cases, perfume bottles, jewelry chests, carved camel-bone panels...

Too many choices, too little time to decide. But when you get right down to it, nothing says merry Christmas like a camel saddle, right? I think I'm done for this year.

Merry Christmas, everyone. 

*Extreme photo credit goes to Cheryl Glassett and Patty Jones, who bailed out my lazy bad self when I either (a) forgot my camera or (b) couldn't be bothered to download my own pictures.

Christmas Crafting, Saudi Style

I'm very excited about Tuesday.

Do you see it? There's a HUGE turndown. Partly cloudy (or "mostly sunny"--not sure of the difference) and right around 70 for THREE DAYS. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas, eh?

Having none of the seasonal markers has made it a challenge to feel the Christmas mood. And I really LIKE the Christmas mood. (Glenn Miller. Get it.) It's more than the weather, although it certainly didn't help to find myself standing outside the gym yesterday in shorts and a tank top wishing "Happy Christmas" to a friend leaving for home on Sunday. No, the bigger problem is not having all those other crutches--malls and shops decorated for Christmas, holiday music piped into the grocery store, everybody around you involved in the same scurry, putting up the tree, getting out the decorations, cookie exchanges and planning my *sniff* annual wrapping party. When you bring suitcases rather than a shipping container to start a new life, you're not bringing your Christmas baubles. Besides--I don't want to have to store them for the rest of the year. So I've had to start from scratch in a country that doesn't sell Christmas decorations. Desperate times lead to desperate measures, so I CRAFTED.

Stop. What?

I. Crafted.

My friend Landee, professional crafter and blogger and do-er extraordinaire, is reaching for her smelling salts about now. I should explain: I don't craft. I'm not opposed to crafting, and I even own a craft or two of my own making, work products of ladies' crafting evenings that were a ton of fun. But I'm an instant-gratification kind of gal, and multi-step processes will shut me down faster than a power switch. You know--one of those big lever-style switches like Igor flips to turn on Frankenstein. Now picture a bunch of pieces of wood, and sandpaper, and bottles of paint, foam brushes, and something in a spray can, and a design, and a ribbon, and...whump. Dead on the table.

So I started easy. Lights, thanks to the grocery and hardware stores that sell them in plain boxes, labeled just as "LED lights," with a wink and a nod to western buyers from the Filipino checkout worker. There are more ways to make those lights flash than I can count, but I finally found the option for a steady burn. I put them in a philodendron:

Thanks, IKEA. And thanks as well for the candles, tray, and lanterns.

One of the all-IKEA furnishings in my furnished villa is an odd floating shelf, all by itself way too high on my living room wall. It would make a great decoratable mantle (I'll be getting a couple of hefty shelf brackets when I'm home), but 220v power means monster cords and inconvenient outlets, so there's no way to put little lamps or a nice bunch of those lights in some sort of garland up there. So, thanks to Pinterest, I scrounged up some Christmas printables and put them below it in frames that will hold family pictures after the holidays are over. Plug in the iPad playing a fireplace app and voila. Happy almighty holidays.

You have to keep staring into the fire to get the full effect, though, because just to the left, this is the view out the patio door:

Yes, those are petunias. And yes, that green surface is "grass."

Finally, the tree. You can buy Christmas trees here if you're determined. Departing expats are always selling them, or the shop inside the compound has small ones (flashing like crazy). But I don't want to store one all year. I like this whole living lightly thing. Pinterest, again, to the rescue:

Hmm. Two-dimensional trees. That board tree, in particular, seemed like something I could adapt. I didn't want to mess with lumber for a variety of reasons (acquiring, painting, hanging, storing), but I thought I could work with foam core--you know, the stuff your kid makes his science fair displays on. Correction: The stuff YOU make your kid's science fair displays on. Then glue decorative paper on it, which I knew I'd seen at the office/art supply store. Ta-da!

Problem: That decorative paper turned out to be a figment of my imagination. So how about printing my own Christmas paper from online designs? Great, but the mock-up I did in miniature looked a little too folksy-patchworky:

Fabric? Ah--the shopping bus had a scheduled trip to the fabric souk and haberdashery (as the Brits refer to the shop full of trims and notions and sewing supplies) after the Thanksgiving weekend. Perfect.

Saudi fabric stores are...different than American ones. Folks here don't do crafts or home decorating projects. These shops sell dress fabrics, and by "dress" I mean "fancy dress." The display windows have mannequins dressed in fabulous ball gowns that aren't gowns at all, but draped and pinned designs. When I went shopping at the second-hand souk, none of the ballgowns I saw had a label inside. Though you certainly see plenty of ballgowns in mall shops, it's typical for women go to dressmakers, choose a design (or make one up themselves, judging by many I saw), and then buy fabrics.

How else would you explain this?

Quite the treasure, eh? My friend Cecelia found this at the second-hand souk and let me try it on. (The purple is my workout top, not some weird liner. Heaven forbid there should be something weird.) Those are inexplicable little kerchiefs tacked around the hip (for twirling?), and with the right moves I was able to make a real sparkle show on the patio out of sunlight reflected from the jug-jewels.

The starting point for something like this is back in the fabric shops: pre-made jeweled bodice fronts. For beginners, start simple.

Then work your way up:

Now, time to match and build. For fabrics, there's tulles and satins and velvets and laces... And if the bodice isn't enough, here's just one wall of beaded and gilded trims in a shop with rows and rows of them:

For me, making a plain ol' tree, shades of green satin worked well. I cut the foam core into rows, the longest being the full width of one piece, then cut right triangles (your high school geometry at work!) off the ends of the shorter ones, taped them together, laid the satin here and there over the boards, taped it to the back, sticky-tacked it to the wall, and voila:

(Okay, a craft blog this ain't. I actually did take step-by-step photos, and I'll add them at the end if anybody's interested.)

Pretty freaking proud of myself. Original concept, original design, AND actual execution. Not a box full of supplies. I CRAFTED. (How we doin', Landee?) I don't know about you, but when I put it all together, I'm feeling pretty Christmatastic.

I did pick up more trims. I have red pom-poms, a gold chain, a ruby-and-gold jeweled swag, strands of plastic pearls in ivory and celedon and red, but I kind of like it with just the thin swag of green-velvet-I-don't-know-what. Edit, as they say to the bedazzlers on Project Runway.

So maybe I'll save the sparkles and pom-poms for decking out my next princess dress.

An All-American Thanksgiving

Outside the restaurant

I'll be having a different sort of Thanksgiving this year. The restaurant in our compound, which typically does a themed buffet on Thursday nights ("Italian night!" "Indian night!" or the perennial dude favorite, "Carvery night!"), is giving a nod to the Americans by doing a Thanksgiving dinner this week. Butterball turkeys are thawing as we speak. Roasted and mashed potatoes are promised, and pumpkin pie. The restaurant staff is Indian, so if stuffing does appear I'll be interested in the seasoning. We'll be dining with other Americans who live here, and have spread the word to friends from outside the compound to join us. Right now, it's looking like a group of about 50, including a fair sprinkling of non-Americans probably a bit baffled by a major American holiday built around everybody's least-favorite poultry.

So in honor of this uniquely American holiday, I thought it would be good to take a moment to reflect on the uniquely American things I'm thankful for.

110v wiring: This one is huge. Because it's small. I LOVE American outlets,  mounted discretely flush into the wall, and appliances with their dainty little plugs that won't break a window if your whip-action gets a little aggressive when you're wrapping up a cord. With 110 you get plugs the size of a cat's paw instead of a Labrador's, so you can have things like string-to-string Christmas lights. Extension cords cost $5 and can tuck their thin little way into crevices and corners. That's notable because here a 3-meter extension cord costs $15 and you could use it to tow a truck. The multi-head cap at the end looks like a cricket bat. In American you can buy a shy little octopus that turns a single outlet into three without bothering its neighbor or intruding into the room. Genius! Oh! And the grounded outlets in bathrooms! What bliss! You can operate a blow dryer in front of a mirror. What a thought! In the magic land of America, you buy a thing, you plug it into the wall. Done. No adapters, no squinting at the UL micro-print to figure out whether you need one, no wondering whether this outlet works for that or whether the handmade label on a particular outlet is telling you the truth about what kind of a zap is waiting on the other side. (I saw a bank of labeled outlets in a friend's house recently with one marked "127v." What?) The American power grid may be ancient and decaying, but doggone it, I can put a lamp where I want. With a switch on the lamp instead of the cord. Thanks, guys.

Lines: Oh, that docile American willingness to wait in line. We learn that one early, right? I certainly remember the kind of hell that would rain down on a first-grader accused by his or her peers of cutting in line. Didn't matter what we were waiting for. We could be going out to recess, but at some unspoken but universally recognized moment the melee for the door would turn into a line, and anyone accused of cutting at that point would be vilified. Saudi Arabia is not unique in being an every-man-for-himself culture, and as a rule-following, contention-averse American female, I appreciate those American checkout lines and offramp queues. There's still plenty of jostling and cheating for sure, but in general, it works pretty well. Thanks, Lord of the Flies self-policing American school system, for getting that one right.

Wrinkle-free cotton: I may be out on a washline by myself on this one. I can't say for sure if this is an American thing. It may just be me (most likely), or my generation, or that breezy California style I grew up with, but it sure seems like the English-speakers with accents much prettier than mine do a lot of ironing. Around here the universally understood reason for being unable to stay any longer at lunch or go on some outing is "I have a lot of ironing to do." And the involved parties all just nod their heads. Been there, too, mate. You have? Does the pronunciation of a hard "r" make one more content to smooth out a t-shirt with a few spritzes of water? Or harem-scarem enough to say, "Oops. Wrinkled. I'll just press these pants really quick"? I can't say I've run up against people mentioning "ironing" as an agenda item in the States. Good thing. Because if you're all out there routinely setting up for an afternoon of ironing I'd just as soon not know about it. I'd keep on doing exactly the same lazy thing, mind you, but I'd have one more reason to think I do a uniquely poor job of looking after myself.

Return policies: I recently came across a website where foreigners living in the U.S. contributed lists of things about America they have difficulty explaining to their relatives back home. A recurring item on those lists was American retail return policies. And I love them. We recently bought an air bed (now open for visitors!), and asked the salesman what we could do if it didn't inflate properly. "You can return for refund in two days!" he told us proudly. "Or exchange in seven!" He worked for a big-chain retailer, which is what made this boon of generosity possible. And let's keep in mind that these policies are in place in a country where 50% of the adult population can't drive and any outing is going to chew up half of an evening. Can't get out within two days? Tough. Zappos, I love you. Target, I love you. And to the collective body of the American retail consumer, who would force the closure of a business with anything less than a 30-day, 100% refund policy, I love you best of all.

Holidays & three-day weekends: One thing that baffles foreigners about America is how ridiculously hard we work. More hours per week, fewer days of vacation, shorter lunches...we are seen as a nation of workaholics missing out on all the important things in life. Gotcha. Can't argue. But boy, we sure know how to shave the edges off. Is there anything more savory than a three-day weekend? Lounging on a Sunday and knowing you're not going to work the next day? Or perhaps counting down to a Friday off, where Monday is already Tuesday and the long weekend is only three more days away? A three-day weekend to start the summer, a three-day weekend to end it, a three- or four-day weekend in the middle. Halloween, which is a guaranteed playday no matter whether or not you're at work, then the FOUR-DAY Thanksgiving holiday. After the Christmas and New Year's holidays, there's that tender-mercy January break with MLK Day, President's Day in February, spring break just around the corner, and back to summer. I'll take care of my own big vacations, but living where I keep having a little one just around the next corner makes the rhythm of a year, well, just delightful.

Thanksgiving: A holiday based on gratitude AND self-indulgence? Could anything be better? Probably not. I have a feeling those two things kind of need each other. The fact that every year Americans of all religious and cultural backgrounds spend the better part of a week traveling and shopping and cooking to come together for a single meal, based on food that we say we love, but don't really want to eat any other time of year, says there's more to this holiday than the food. A day of thanks. Thanks for the people you're sitting with, thanks for all that makes it possible for everyone to be there, thanks for food and shelter, for the web of family and friends and community and country that gets us through, and thanks for the American story we all share. And perhaps what makes us cherish it so deeply is how good it feels to ignore our complaints and count our blessings. Pretty great excuse for a holiday, huh? And after dinner, while considering how content and satisfied you are and how great that pie is going to be, you the mixer plug a little kiss from me before you start whipping the cream.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Getting to the Bottom of Things

I'm exploring a theory--plumbing the depths, in fact--but I'm keeping my hopes for that Nobel Prize in economics in check. Pinched back, you might say. Here's the poop: I believe I've found a way to divide the world into first world, developing/emerging world, and third world that is completely void of controversy. What relief! A method that eliminates all wrangling over GDP, debt ratios, per capita income, and other subjective measures that frankly reek of first-world high-water attitudes. No judgment, no complications, no math. But whenever I have an urge to float my theory with fellow-travelers, plop! They've already arrived at the same end. So it's clear I haven't found anything new, but if I close my eyes and concentrate and hurry, I MIGHT be the first to publish it.

Here goes: It's in the plumbing. As follows:

• First world: Reliable drinking water comes from the tap, you can order a salad in a restaurant without worrying about how the greens were washed, and sit-down, flush toilets with toilet paper are available everywhere you go (outdoor venues excepted, where maintained Port-A-Lets are available instead).
• Developing world: Reliable drinking water comes from the tap (though sensitive travelers might have a few uncomfortable days if they drink quantities of it), restaurant ordering is generally safe, but you frequently find some funky bathroom situations.
• Third world: Non-potable water from the taps, and bathroom situations occupy the range between funky and primitive, with no way to anticipate how far up or down that spectrum you're going to find things.

I hope I didn't use too much technical language, but I needed to be specific if I had any hope of marking the territory around my theory. I expect future travels to clean up some of the swampy areas between categories, but I think I have a good start. Those Nobel people pay some mad cizash and I don't want to lose out over a careless smear. Plus I hear they keep things really clean in Stockholm and I'd like to go there. So let me plunge into the details:

First world
When you're in the first world, you know what to expect when you go into the bathroom. Americans make jokes about European toilet paper, but come on--you're using public toilets. You ever wanted to buy one of those gigundor rolls in a U.S. public bathroom for your home installation? Institutional toilet paper is the worst everywhere, but in the first world it IS everywhere, unless it runs out and you need your neighbor to spare a square. You're going to have a room with a door, a sit-down toilet (and a urinal, if applicable), and by global standards, it'll be clean. Anything other than that is an exception and a reliable conversation piece. As for water, you just don't think about it, other than to say the tap water tastes better here than there.

Developing world
In a lot of ways, the developing world looks like the first world. Highways, office buildings, first-class shopping. You eat in restaurants without worry. And then you go to the bathroom. Sink? Maybe. If there is a sink, soap? Maybe. Towels or paper towels? Maybe. Toilet off the ground, like a chair? Maybe. Toilet paper? Maybe. What have other people done in there before you? Not sure, but it appears probably something different than what you're doing.

Third world
In the third world, you carry bottled water everywhere you go. You eat fresh vegetables only in a high-end restaurant or if you've prepared them yourself, and you may or may not have seen somebody washing his face in the water used to cook the street food. You are likely to find yourself needing to use the bathroom more often here than you do at home, which gives you a broad survey of what's available: squatters (both elevated and flat), pull chains, dip buckets for low-tech flushing (and washing), straight-up pit toilets, sit toilets without seats or tank lids, and privacy that's left up to you. And toilet paper? Don't make me giggle. When you're finished, that hand sanitizer in your purse is probably your only option.

Which brings me to my current state of residence, where we have highways that look like this:

Riyadh Ring Road. Source: Dar Group

Office buildings that look like this:

Downtown Riyadh. Source: Skyscrapercity.com

And shopping malls that look like this:

Al Faisaliah Mall, Riyadh. Source: Arab News

It's all got that freshly scrubbed sparkly shine, doesn't it? So now it's time to evaluate the plumbing. Potable water? Check. Now whether you want to drink it is a separate question. A seasonal question, actually. When I got here in late August, I was taking showers straight from the cold tap. We knew the seasons had changed when we noticed cool--as in drinking temperature--water from the tap a few weeks ago. So, with first-world water checked off it's time to go the bathroom for the final part of the evaluation.

To establish the context, perhaps the best place to start is with my own:

Admire my decorating? This is the powder room/loo/WC/washroom/toilet by my front door. That's one of the rugs the carpet dealer threw in when we bought our larger rugs. The sink is the smallest I've ever seen--good luck getting both your hands in it at once, but I've provided soap and a towel if you're game to try. (Though I'll understand if I see you washing your hands in the kitchen.) Most Americans are familiar with the hand-held shower wand so universal in Europe and inexplicably absent in the U.S. I have those, too, in my showers and will miss them terribly when I go home. But what is that sprayer by the toilet, Americans ask?

Well, as convenient a tool as it might seem for rinsing out the toilet you've just cleaned, it is, in fact, for cleaning the person using the toilet. No matter what else is lacking in a public restroom in Riyadh, you will ALWAYS find one of these. A lot of non-Americans find the customary U.S. reliance on dry toilet paper alone disturbing. As the girl from Cottonelle reminds us here, wet washing is much more civilized than using just toilet paper, don't you agree? (Don't forget to talk about your bum on Facebook!) So in Europe you find the bidet, and in the Middle East a spray wand.

But it gets a lot less civilized in a hurry. There are some problems with the use of these things in a public setting:

• Overreliance: Washing with water is a first-rate idea. Not having anything to dry with? Uh...are you supposed to just air-dry under those abayas and thobes? It's common to find no toilet paper, or to be made to feel that your predicament is your own fault because a roll of toilet paper is sitting on the sink and you were supposed to tear some off BEFORE you went into the toilet. And yes, that is also what you're supposed to dry your hands with at said sink. The well-prepared traveler carries her own.

• Overspray: Finding water on the seat in a public bathroom in Saudi Arabia is normal. So is finding water on the lid, the tank, the wall, and the floor. And I'm told the women are tidier than the men, who often use the sprayer to do ablutions before prayer, which include washing the face and head, hands and arms to the elbows, and feet and ankles. The directive also seems to include just walking away when you're finished. It's up to the next many users to keep their own hems out of the puddles on the floor until the dry climate does its job. Here's what I walked into just last week in a restaurant:

Kinda hard to capture water with a phone camera and the backup distances available in a toilet stall. You're looking at front edge of the toilet and the floor on the left, and the back edge of the seat and the lower part of the lid on the right. With a little study you can see the droplets all over the toilet lid and seat and the sheen on the floor. Thanks a lot, sister. I hope you're feeling good about yourself.

• Overly male world view: Dudes building public buildings, you do realize we're wearing abayas, right? Which are another layer of hitching and handling you have to manage on top of whatever clothes you're wearing underneath. And which tend to drag on the floor, so you have to start wrangling from the moment you enter the bathroom/poolroom. And you DO realize we carry purses, right? Well, of course not. These are the same dudes who don't consider the next man to use the bathroom when they spray water everywhere. The same men who say they wear ONLY white in the summer because it's Just Too Hot to wear anything else, and say it front of a woman wearing a black robe with zero sense of irony. The same men who tell me to bring a lab sample back to the clinic the next morning and seem puzzled by how I'm supposed to do that when women can't drive. So, of course, I have yet to encounter a SINGLE bathroom with a purse hook. Not one. I'm considering the merits of a backpack.
• Overuse: How, exactly, did the last person use this wand I'm supposed to take in my hand and...oh, never mind.

If you can look past the water-everywhere issue, bathrooms at malls and restaurants are usually fairly clean. Even when instructions are required.

But when the instructions fail (or patrons are just making their best guesses about what they're supposed to do) things can go badly awry. Excluding highway truck stops and scheisty places where you really shouldn't be asking for the toilet anyway, the worst I've seen was in...[drumroll]...the health clinic. Repeat: THE HEALTH CLINIC:

According to my formula, here's where the faintest trickle of a chance of Saudi first world status swirled down the drain. Yes, the pink tile is everywhere because, duh, it's the ladies' room and there MUST NOT be any confusion on that score. Yes, you're looking at a squat toilet cemented into broken tile, which patients (who are wearing long black gowns) are supposed to use while gathering sterile samples. Just out of the frame is the pull chain and overhead tank, like the one in a museum re-creation of a Victorian house. Yes, there's the spray hose to the left and yes, that's water on the floor on and around where you're supposed to squat, but what I learned only AFTER using this exemplary public facility is that the water did not come from the hose. Not entirely, anyway. Turns out that flushing the squat toilet sent flush water all over the floor. IN THE HEALTH CLINIC.

And for the final flourish:

This takes a little more explanation. This is the bathtub. I can't tell you why there's a bathtub in the health clinic's public bathroom, so don't bother to ask. More interesting, though, are the tenants, a collection of dead roaches and flies. See those l-o-n-g antennae on the big one in the middle? So clearly the bathtub was unnecessary, except to confirm that yes, no one ever cleans in here. IN THE HEALTH CLINIC.

Have I scoped out the picture well enough? Have we come to the end? Are you ready to deposit your global rankings votes? And do you feel relieved of the pressure to make these decisions without the right reading material? I hope so. My goal has only been to expel any contention or confusion. Hmm...maybe I should be eying that Nobel prize for peace, instead. Here at the end of November, it's the season for warmth and closeness, after all. So with the approach of this Thanksgiving weekend and the houseful of guests it brings, may I wish you good times, a unnatural willingness on everyone's part to go with the flow, and fully functional plumbing.